just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
