I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
