My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
