Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
