I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
