this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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