Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
