Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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