the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
