If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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