addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
