I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
