I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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