i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
