I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
