i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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