Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
