nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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