Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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