ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
