took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude i'm inner monologue high
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
