life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
