I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
