No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize