I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
