I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize