I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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