I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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