Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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