sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
