Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
