you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
