The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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