We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
