I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
