he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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