I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize