Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
