I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
