sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
