You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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