I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
