I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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