We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize