It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
