I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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