I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
