My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
