The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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