I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
