How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize