so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
