she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
