I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
