someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
