just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
