just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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