I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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