he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
