My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
