It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
