Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
