I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Green mimosas i think yes
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
