if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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